How often has it been when you’re genuinely sad and someone told you, just be positive? There’s nothing to worry about, you’re just overthinking. Or that you were just expressing your emotions and the person beside you, latched out and said, Oh god, you’re so negative! And things alike. 

Though everyone around talks about positivity, many also shun away everything that isn’t positive! But that doesn’t necessarily make it negative to say. 

What really is toxic positivity?

When positivity is used as an excuse to dismiss everything that you are actually feeling in the very moment be it sadness, anger, despair, frustration, guilt, shame and so forth but instead of acknowledging that said feeling from a place of empathy one uses positivity as bait to avoid looking at the real issue is called toxic positivity. 

Let me make it a little easier with an example. 

Shaya is a young confident woman. She is a musician. She is opinionated and speaks her mind out. Because of these qualities, she is not liked by many. Lately, she was not getting well along with her bandmates. And one day she had a huge quarrel with one of her bandmates. Shaya was very upset and she just wanted to vent her feelings. She called her friend and started talking about life and also how the people from the band that she created are in talks of replacing her. And this is how the conversation went.

Shaya – Hey, how are you? It’s been such a long since we last spoke.

Friend –  Hii! Yes, It has been ages. I am good you tell me. Is everything alright?

Shaya – Hm… Well not really. 

Friend – What happen?

Shaya – Pauses for 5 seconds. And starts sobbing. My bandmates, those idiots they have blackmailed me. They are saying that they will replace me because I had a fight with someone and he is kind of pitting everyone against me. My life is going to be destroyed. I left my high paying boring job for pursuing my dreams. Oh no! I can’t even imagine going back to that life!! Oh my god!! 

Friend – Come on stop it. It is not that bad after all. Look at the bright side. 

Shaya – What? Are you kidding me?

Friend – Well honestly, I never understood you’re reasoning for leaving that job. I knew this new passion of yours wouldn’t last long. I’m so happy that life is making you realize this!

Shaya – I cannot believe you. I thought you are my friend. 

Friend – Of course, I am. That is why I am talking sense into you.

Shaya – By doing what exactly?

Friend – By showing you the positive aspect of this. So that you see things clearly. Now you can go back to your comfortable job. I can talk to your boss and she will re-hire you. They desperately need you. You no longer have to run behind people for meetings and sign you or your band up for gigs. You no longer have to worry about paying your bills or going on vacations or buying whatever you like without having to look at the price tag.

Shaya – Seriously, This is all that you care about? And what about my dreams? I cannot believe that you would say this to me. 

Shaya hung up the call and had an emotional breakdown. 

What you just saw here is a classic example of toxic positivity. 

Do you realize what did happen? 

Do you recognise yourself here?

 Or are your friends, family and loved ones acting in the same manner? 

I would like you to sit with that for a minute. 

Why is toxic positivity so bad?

All of us want to be positive and be surrounded by positive people all the time but what we do not understand is that life is not always sunshine and unicorns. Even the most enlightened beings walking on this planet are not happy or in a positive state of being 24*7. 

Yes, I do realize that Shaya’s friend did not mean bad but it did sound bad. It immensely hurt Shaya’s feelings. 

Toxic Positivity has become a deadly tool to shame people who do not reciprocate similar positive thoughts. 

Knowingly or unknowingly people do this on a perpetual basis. And don’t even realize the damage that is caused by doing so. They think of themselves as good human beings for behaving in a so-called positive way. And when confronted they are in complete denial of it. Sadly, today’s current society also encourages it. 

Think Positive thoughts, meditate if something is wrong, keep yourself busy, do not overthink, stop being so needing, nobody is trustworthy, everybody is selfish and so forth. 

The message that we basically get from hearing such things is 

“ It is not okay to not be okay” 

But tell me one thing, how practical it really is, especially on a daily basis. 

And after a while, people are so consumed in this toxic positive bubble of theirs that they literally become incapable of having genuinely satisfying relationships in life. They remain miserable their entire lives thinking if they think positive thoughts, meditate for a little longer, say affirmations, watch something inspiring on youtube or go for some spiritual retreat all their problems in life will be solved! 

How do we refrain from being that?

Positivity is a state of being. Just like negativity. But using positivity in order to get away from our negative feelings or emotions causes more pain and suffering in life. Rather than suppressing our negative feelings, we need to fully embrace them and also inspire others to do the same. 

We need to be aware of the spiritual Law of Polarity. Which states that life on planet earth is ruled by contrast. Just like there are two sides of a coin, the head and tail. Duality is inherent in everything. 

For example,

 Positive & Negative

Masculine & Feminine

Birth & Death

Sun & Moon

Etc, etc

One is not better nor worse than the other. It is what it is. Because everything is subjective in nature. 

 We need to accept that bad does exist in this world and it happens to everyone and no amount of fake positivity can cheer the person up at that moment. It is also very narcissistic to always think things from your point of view rather than being open to what the other person has to say. 

One needs to remove their blinders and accept reality no matter how scary it appears to be. Many a time it is not as daunting as we imagine it to be.

Compassion and Empathy play a huge role in not getting trapped into an obsession of always wanting to be positive. 

Lastly, you need to question yourself about what really matters to you. 

That is, the quality of your relationships in life or an inflated ego of fake positivity!