Grieving – A Cleansing Process

Crying is considered a weakness. It is often undermined in a lot of cultures. We are advised to keep ourselves strong and to suppress our tears. To hold ourselves tight and carry on with life. To pretend as if nothing really happened! 

But is it so? 

When we experience a loss, something within us breaks. 

That loss tears us apart. We lose a sense of reality. We are shattered. And nothing seems to provide us relief except Crying. 

Crying is a part of biological response when experiencing any kind of loss. It doesn’t really matter if it’s emotional, physical or mental. 

I often cry when I stub my toes or break my crystals! 

Crying is a necessary part of grieving. If we do not let ourselves cry and suppress our tears we are creating more emotional, mental and many a times physical damage. This may not make sense right away but it literally scars our psyche. If we bottle ourselves up just to toughen up by stuffing our feelings down, we are heading towards a disaster. 

Only when you grieve can you heal. 

Grieving is an essential part of healing.

Grieving the loss of everything that happened as well as everything that could have happened.

Grieving the loss of unlived memories.

Grieving the loss of unfulfilled dreams.

Grieving the loss of a happy stable childhood; which never became a reality.

Grieving the loss of love that was never experienced.

Grieving the loss of innocence.

Grieving the loss and questioning yourself,

“What If” 

Things didn’t end up the way they did?

All these feelings and emotions are valid. You do not need to rush yourself so that you can finally let go. Ironically, you cannot “choose” to let go if you haven’t grieved your loss and processed your pain in a healthy manner.  

Sadly, time does not heal wounds. It may take you decades to fully mourn, grieve and process your pain. So is the nature of loss. It took me almost two decades to process my pain, grieve and finally convince myself to move on from the loss of my departed loved one. But I still shed tears many times remembering the happy memories we shared and also wake up to this idea that this person is no longer with me. No longer a part of my life. And this is the scar I will have to carry for the rest of my life. It still breaks my heart with the same intensity every single time. 

I was struggling to grieve. 

One of the reasons I had difficulty grieving is that I subconsciously believed that if I grieve and process my pain then somehow I am letting go of this person. Which means I did not love them and I’d already lost them and am not willing to let go of them and lose them again. 

By holding onto my pain I was somehow expressing my loyalty towards them. 

That realisation was a life changer for me.

It made a whole lot of sense and then I made a commitment. 

A commitment to allow myself grace. I decided it was okay to cry. When I cry, it lightens the burden of my heavy heart. And that is how I heal. I don’t care how long it takes. Because I know for sure that this person will forever be in my heart till the day I die and even after that… 

That is why tears are immensely healing. They soothe your soul and give you the strength to carry on with life. 

When you give yourself the permission to grieve you are honouring your loss. It shows your commitment to them of how much you truly love them and miss them; every single time.

It takes great courage to do that. 

Nobody gets to decide when you should move on and that it’s been a while since the incident.

There is no magic button which you can push and then the pain ceases to exist.

I wish there was one, though! Life wouldn’t be as painful if there was a magic button…

That being said. Life goes on, no matter what. And we need to swallow the bitter pill sooner or later and accept the reality of the situation. We need to adapt our lives to the scarring change and make a decision.  

Change is the only constant. So is life. We are always experiencing a range of emotions. Be it happiness, sadness, joy, anger, pain, grief, fear, guilt, excitement etc. Life is always in motion and so are we bound to experience all the feelings associated with those emotions.

Contrast is the fact of life. 

Because of this, polarity is inherent in everything. 

Eg. After day comes night. 

What’s alive is also going to die someday. 

But we humans do not want to accept this. We paint an unrealistic picture about life. We imagine life to always be happy, joyous and peaceful, which it definitely is, but not always! Which is why we suffer. And we suffer immensely.

Pain is inevitable, Suffering is a choice.

-Deepak Chopra

For a very long time, I believed there is glory in suffering for my loss. It is only recently, I realised how wrong I was because there is only pain and suffering. But like I said, it took me almost two decades to reach this conclusion. So, take your time. If you don’t want to let go, that’s alright. It shows your passion and devotion. Don’t let anybody shame you for not moving on. It’s very painful. I empathise with your pain. Please don’t force yourself to move on.

But know that you can love them and yet move on with life.

That’s a choice which you’ll always have.

They will always be in your heart, prayers, hopes, wishes and dreams. 

I pray you have the strength and courage to begin life anew!